I’m pretty famous for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time…just ask my siblings. They’ve had many laughs at some of my speaking mishaps.
When I was in eighth grade, a friend of mine told me I was her best friend and I didn’t exactly reciprocate the feeling so I just said, “Oh.” She was so angry she took back the statement.
Once when I was running, some guys drove by and cat-called me. I wanted to yell at them and let them know it wasn’t ok, but all that came out of my mouth was, “Oh yeah? Well, you should get frozen in an ice cube!”
Dating is a whole extra level. When I was 20, a guy I liked tried to ask me out, saying that he always felt better on the days he saw me. All I managed to say was, “Interesting,” so we didn’t end up dating.
The point is when there are emotions involved, sometimes we all just gulp and freeze up, and then we can’t say what we’re actually feeling. Here’s some good news: I’m a MUCH better writer than I am at speaking so I’m actually good at sexting and am here to give you some pointers on how to sext with confidence.
Is Sexting Good for Your Long-Distance Relationship?
The answer to this question lies within you, but if you’re on the fence, maybe this article will help you make up your mind.
As far as research goes, the University of Texas published an article documenting studies they had done to find answers to this question. Ultimately, they came up with some pros and cons.
Con: Women often didn’t enjoy it fully because they were worried that their nudes would get leaked.
Pro: People were able to satisfy their physical needs while away from their partner, and some couples even strengthened their intimacy while doing it.
This study wasn’t just for long-distance couples, but focused on all types of relationships: casual flings, more serious partnerships, some long-distance, and some same-city relationships. For couples who are far away from each other, it can be hard to go without that physical connection so sexting helps with that need for touch and intimacy. For others, they’re just not fully comfortable so they’d rather go without.
Our story contributors Jack and Annette wrote that they’re using quarantine to experiment with different apps for couples to find new things that turn them on. If you want to play around with sexting and try out something more than just a photo in your lingerie, just remember to only do what you enjoy! Some people try to say something they think they’re partner will like even if they’re not into it themselves.
You Don’t Have to Be Too Dramatic
Keeping it Simple Does the Trick
A few years ago, my friend was sitting in my living room, wishing she could talk dirty with her husband more. She complained that she just couldn’t get herself to sext or talk dirty because she’s a quiet person and didn’t feel comfortable acting like the main character of a telenovela.
But you don’t have to do that! Just relax and be yourself. Keeping it simple is often more effective than fancy adjectives you don’t normally use. Just use speech that feels comfortable.
For example, this might come across strangely and feel awkward:
“I want to feel your raging body with ecstatic throbbing in sheer delight.” Not many people will be into that! If you do, that’s ok, but it makes me cringe just writing it.
If you want to get the same point across, try something like this:
“I want to feel you inside me.”
It has the same sentiment but it’s much more simple and effective.
Remember a Past Sexual Experience You’ve Had With That Person Before
If you’re looking for some seductive conversation starters it’s easy to introduce some dirty talk with, “Remember that one time when we…?” If you’re talking about a memory it can be easier than coming up with something totally new. Plus, you can use it as a general plot to keep the conversation going. Talk about what you liked when that happened, what you would do again, and what else you would do if you were together right now.
One of the rules of great writing is to activate all 5 of the human senses in your writing: smell, taste, touch, sound, sight. That way, you paint a picture with your writing so the reader can forget where they are and feel like they’re in your story. The same idea goes for sexting!
Tell them what you want to taste (or what you want them to taste), smell, touch, and all that.
Start out light and easy, with something like, “I want to feel your breath on my body.”
As things get juicier, the details will too. “I love when you cum in my mouth. It tastes/smells like…[Insert something creative and sexy]”
How to Talk Dirty Naturally
Watch Porn and Tell Your Partner What You’re Doing
If it’s hard for you to concoct something out of your imagination, let someone else turn you on. Everyone’s doing Netflix parties and watching movies long-distance, so there’s no reason not to watch a porn together.
If you’re not used to sexting, it can be hot to watch something and listen to each other’s breathing. When you get more comfortable you can say, “Now I’m touching myself.” Then hopefully the other person will ask you how! Give some details about what you’re touching and how it’s making you feel.
You can even talk about what the people in the porn are doing. Tell each other what you like and if you’d like them to do that to you.
If you’re watching porn as a couple, I’d recommend searching beyond Porn Hub and finding some ethical and/or feminist porn. Erica Lust makes porn women like, focusing on a more realistic representation of sex rather than making it all about the male fantasy.
Tell Your Partner What You Like About Their Body
It’s a big turn-on to be told that your partner loves your body and to hear it in detail! This can especially boost confidence if one of you is feeling self-conscious about sexting.
A lot of people feel uneasy when their partner sends them a dirty text out of the blue. If you’re not sure how to respond to sexts, mention a body part that you like. You can ask to see it, describe what you like about it, or ask what they’re doing with it.
If your partner has told you what they love about your body in the past (hopefully they have), you can bring it up first. My friend’s husband loves her legs, so she sometimes sends him a picture of her legs or a description of the short shorts she’s wearing to get him excited.
Another friend has a boyfriend who loves a matching mani-pedi and she texts him through the whole process. She builds suspense by letting him know she’s on her way to get it done, then sending teasing photos of the process along the way. It’s a great way to initiate sexting and feel like they’re with you taking part in the fun.
My friend Maddie loves being complimented and she’s not afraid to be assertive about it. She lets every guy know that if she sends a sexy photo she needs to be complimented right away.
Know What You Like and If You Don’t, Find Out
Knowing what you want and asking for it will improve both sexting and your in-person sex life. It can be hard to do, especially for women, but it’s a skill you HAVE to develop.
When I was starting out on my sexual journey, I had fun for a while but was eventually feeling disappointed most of the time. Here’s what kept me from asking for what I wanted:
I was too shy. Hoping my partner would just know what to do, I was frustrated when they didn’t figure that out.
I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to say it or even to recognize why I wasn’t enjoying the experience as much I wanted to.
Around that time, I heard about the trend of keeping a dream journal. People who wanted to start lucid dreaming were writing dreams from the night before when they woke up. These induction techniques have not been guaranteed to work but some study participants said they helped. So I decided to start a sex journal. Each morning after I had sex, I would write down what we did (in detail!) and whether I was satisfied or not.
After some weeks of my journaling, I started actively thinking about things people did that I liked and disliked. So I started simply saying, “I like that,” or “I don’t like that.” I progressed to more complex sentences and it worked. Now, I feel much more confident of what I like in bed and I’m not afraid to ask for it.
That really helps in sexting too. I can picture what I would like and then describe it in a text.
You Can Sext the Old-Fashioned Way Too
Send Sexy Stuff Via Snail Mail
It’s fun to get stuff in the mail. One of our contributors, Ruth, mentioned that she sent a little gift to her boyfriend Eric through Amazon. That gesture meant a lot. Sending something sexy is also a nice surprise and a fun thing to do in quarantine. Keep in mind we do custom illustrations, so you always have that as an option!
Describe Your Fantasies to Each Other
A fantasy can be anything as simple as, “I want you to push me against the wall and kiss me,” or something like Monica asking Chandler to wear a Santa suit to bed. Personally, mine is to have my partner feed me and my friend fruit and then eat us out. But that’s just me.
Sometimes describing your fantasy through text or voice can be even more fun than living it out in person (nothing goes wrong in your imagination, right?). So have fun describing your fantasies and imagining how you will live them out in person when you see each other again.
If you benefit from these tips on how to sext with confidence or have additional advice to add, we’d love to hear it! Write a comment or an email. In the meantime, have fun, be yourself and we hope you get to see your partner again soon.